I'm already regretting this

For this week's writing workshop, I chose prompt #2 "A post you regret publishing". I thought it was really cool. I also thought it was funny I had none. I don't regret any post I published. I thought I should give it a shot, posting something I'd immediately regret publishing. Daring, I know.

So there you go. I feel like shit. My life totally sucks. I miss my kids when I don't have them with me, I keep myself from crying everyday because I strongly believe crying is for pussies, I drink way too much, I either don't eat or stuff myself with chocolate, I either can't sleep or wake up at 2pm, I fall in love every two seconds, I wonder what the hell was wrong with me to end a marriage that, after all, wasn't so bad, I lose friends, make new ones, try to understand what got me here, who the fuck I am, I work like crazy and never feel like it's enough, I am full of guilt for my lovely children who never asked for this shitty situation, I think about me as a 4-year-old, remember what my parents' divorce did to me, what it did to them, what it did to my sisters, I feel like I'm the stupidest, shallowest, ugliest person in the world. I have no self-confidence left, no hope, no nothing.

But you know what? I'll survive this. I'm gonna make it. I've been through worse.

No one knows that. No one ever knows when I'm really down.

Which is why I already regret publishing that post, and why I'll deny any of this was ever true.

If anyone asks, I'm doing O.K.

Oh, one last thing. If you liked this post, would you mind terribly clicking on the RSS feed, here, or the Google connect buttons (top left), or by email at the bottom of this page? And if you didn't like it, you might still want to look around. There's three of us, you know, so you're (almost) bound to find something you like. And then, if you've still got time, you could share this post or stumble it, or both and get in touch with your local tv station to sing our praises. We'll love you forever.


Ayak said...

I've experienced all of those feelings. So don't have any regrets about posting how you feel because it's the first step towards surviving all the shit. And you will survive it.

With warmest wishes xxx

M.Jay. said...

You know I am struggling with exactly this. Down to the last word, even a marriage that seems to be coming to an end. Thank you so much for being so honest. I wish I had the courage to share what really is going on in my life on my blog. I was just thinking about the other day and would really have loved to wail and cry about my life on there, but I just cant, because I am a woos!

Marianne said...

Thanks, Ayak. It's very sweet of you. Blogging is a good therapy ;)

Marianne said...

Dear M.Jay, thank you for your compliments, but I'm not that brave. I didn't even post it on Facebook, because too many people know me there ;) See, woos too!!
I think writing is more useful than crying. And it leaves your eyes normal!!

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

I would never publish a post like this.

Stopping by from Writer's Workshop. Here's mine: http://zemeks.blogspot.com/2010/11/time-i-feared-for-gerards-safety.html

Marianne said...

Dear Karen,
Well, I guess we're different, then. difference is good, I think. And I'm not exactly read by thousands, so it's OK ;)

JustMom420zaks said...

I was really touched by this post. The decision to divorce can be a tough one.
Just turn on the song "I Will Survive" and sing and dance along to it when you're all by yourself. Strangely theraputic.

@jencull (jen) said...

Very touching post, you are not alone and I hope you get good support for being brave enough to post how you feel :) Jen

legalmel said...

We all feel like that at some point some more than others. Blogging, I have found helps. Live your life with no regrets, fix what you can and ignore the rest. Good luck to you. Thank you for sharing.

Stopping by from mamakats

Anonymous said...

I think that, at the very least, your blog should be the space where you can freely express yourself. I know all about being 'ok' to the outside world, and crumbling inside - although my story is different from yours. But, blogging, and venting has been my therapy and has helped me get through tough times, the ones I write about and the ones I don't. I hope things get better for you.
Stopped by from Mama Kat's.

Kim said...

I agree, it's always refreshing to hear someone cut through the crap and spill their soul. Thanks and hope you find some peace and happiness soon.

Marianne said...

@JustMom, what a great idea!! I'll do just that ;)
@Jen, thanks, and I know, I'm not alone.
@Legalmel, yes, I tend to live with no regrets, usually. I let go last night, and really felt better afterwards.
@Working housewife, yes, we all lie, don't we? I'm not complaining or anything, but it's been tough. Some days worse than others. Yesterday was a crappy day.
@Kim, thanks. It felt like a very selfish thing to do, so I'm glad you liked it ;)

Looking for Blue Sky said...

I think it's a brave post and says lots of stuff that I would love to be brave enough to say, but most of the time I feel I have to put my happy face out. I tend to just hibernate and not talk to anyone if I'm feeling really down: I'm sure that blogging about it is healthier.

Anonymous said...

A startlingly honest and beautiful post. It's braveness like this that helps other people.


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